"monstarr" - bis

"can i not be normal cos i'm not a size ten. play music, be in films or even show my face. should i be embarrassed if it's such a crime. funny how yr life depends upon yr waistline."



i must be getting old. it's a sure sign when my 31" jeans now fit me less well than my 34" jeans. when, like me, you are scrawny and unfit putting on weight is a weird experience. it just seems to arrive in bits that don't fit with the rest of your body - making me feel even less proprtionate than i ever did. a man this scrawny should not have a face this fat. don't expect me to do anything about it thou, i'm just too lazy.

partly because of my grunge casualty status, i often used to wear 2 or 3 pairs of jeans. this has the added effect of making your waist look really narrow in comparison to your hips and thus your reflection seems a bit slimmer. but then i usually used to wear 3 t-shirts and 2 shirts as well. this is mostly because this is a good look. just you wait, one day the fashion cycle will complete and looking this 1992 will make me cutting edge again. but i did always feel a lot better knowing that my body was a long way inside what you could see. hiding in plain sight.

"for the birds" - the juliana hatfield three

"if had wings, i’d try to fly. but they don’t make it harder to die. you can take it up to the sky, but no-one ever stays that high."


i absolutely adore beome what you are. i love juliana's voice on it, i love the guitar sounds and overall feel, and its full of songs i have to battle myself hard not to rip off when im writing. i cant believe it was released half my life ago when it still sounds so fresh to my ears - albeit that it is very much in and of the time. i hold my hands up to being a grunge casualty, so my opinion is far from biased, but so many fantastic albums were made around that time - yet this is song is from one of the standouts.


it was stupidly blustery, with trees shaking to such an extent that all kinds of things were falling out of trees onto the ground. no nests, obviously, because of the time of year, and actually mostly stick and twigs and things but i also saw several trees shaking themselves free of rubbish that had been caught in their branches like a dog emerging from a filthy pond. its been a day for looking up because you never know what flying objects you may have to avoid. i dont think i look up often enough.